Dreaming in Red

Steps

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 05:15:17 GMT

One step to make a decision.
Two to make it happen.
Three to fall backwards, wondering where you stumbled.
If only I could figure out, snap my fingers and simply know…
Then I’d feel less lost in this seemingly endless fog.
I need some direction, I look everywhere for it.
I search, I ponder, I pray.
I think about the possibilities…
But in the end I’m afraid.
Afraid of the unknown.
I want to spread my wings, to fly.
But I’m not sure I can leave all I know behind.
I wonder if I’ll ever try.
I need to, someday when I feel ready…
When that will be I do not know.
But one day it will be time to go.

Free

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:25:34 GMT

I’m trying to find myself again.
Find my place.
I feel a little lost in this world.
My home is kind of gone.
I feel like I’ve been all over, but I’ve never moved from this spot.
I feel a need to move now, but not to let go of what I love.
I thought I wanted completion, but now I see it’s not for me.
I just need to be.
I need to let things go.

Inside My Head

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 20:42:24 GMT

I’m tired of running… with nowhere to run too.
I’m sick of these feelings that won’t subside.
And I keep looking, I cannot look away…
It’s like watching a train wreck; over and over again it plays.

I want to rip you from my mind, but I can’t find the will.
I want to forget the feelings swirling in my head.
I want you gone, but I can’t make you stay away.
Even though you’re not mine you are always there…
Inside my head.

If dreams could be real, I could have my way.
But this isn’t real, and you’re with someone else.
I’m such a fool to ever think of you…
And how do I erase you when you haunt me so.
How can hate you when I’m the one who put me in this hell.

I want to tear you from my mind, but I can’t seek the strength.
I want to dream without seeing your face.
I’m tired of bleeding inside out over you… I’m tired of always playing the fool.
I want you gone.
Out of my head.
Leave me alone… stay far away from me.
One day I’ll be free, these wounds will heal and you won’t be…
Inside my head.

Awake

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:06:50 GMT

I’m awake now, as the truth burns my eyes.
And I know I’m nothing to you.
Why did I ever bother?
I should have known…
That you were never good enough for me.
I know now what you think of me.
That you never did.
But it’s all said and done now.
All that never was, will never be.
And I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t care.
You were never what I needed.
What I wanted.
I’ve ripped my heart so I can’t feel anymore.
So you can’t hurt me again.
And I’m awake now, the truth burns inside my veins.
Changing me, killing me inside.
And I know all I need to know now.
I can get better, I will swallow the medication this time.
And I’ll forget you.
No more memories.
No more lies.
No more you in my life.
I will be free.

Willing

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:23:44 GMT

I’m running…
I’ve been running forever it seems.
Give me a reason to stop.
Show me all I’ve forgotten.
Take my hand, I promise not to be afraid anymore.
I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.
Take me as I am, I can’t change.
Chase the coldness from me…
Make me live again.

Save Me

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 06:49:51 GMT

It’s like walking through a minefield.
I feel like I’m slipping again.
I know better than to let myself get this way.
But here I am, and I can’t keep myself from it…
I wish I could, I feel so helpless.
Somebody save me.
Stop me before I get myself hurt again.
These feelings are destructive.
I feel like I’m sinking.
Help me please.
There’s confusion in my head.
Butterflies in my heart.
I keep trying not to look your way, but it’s so hard.
I know I’m such a fool.
I’m just setting myself up for a fall…
A fall from grace.
Save me.
Toss me a life line.
Hear me, quiet my screams.
I feel the destruction of this feeling closing in on me.
Swallowing me down, down into the cold ground.
I wish you could save me.
But I know better…

Outcast

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 04:03:03 GMT

Take my mind off the evil things.
Separate me from the light.
Show me something to live for…
Give me a purpose to fight.

I wonder why I bother.
I question the reasons.
Am I so different?

I know when I’m not wanted.

A part of me is tired…
Ready to surrender.
But what am I giving up for?
Am I only seperating the sorrow from the pain…
Or the pain from the sorrow?

I want to let go.
But is it a price I am willing to pay…

Riddle

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 04:17:09 GMT

In the corner of my mind, up the stairs you’ll find me.
In the darkness safe and alone I always am.
In dreams I find my solace, and I am never lonely.
But all I know is never real, all I know are just dreams…
Illusions of my mind’s creation.

False promises.

I don’t know what I want…
I often question who I am.
And yet I’ve never been more comfortable in my own skin.

Lack Luster Dreams

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 04:26:35 GMT

I feel close to lost, I feel decayed.
I don’t know what to write…
Though the words haunt me night and day.
I feel a lack of inspiration looming in the darkness.
My heart is not fully in it, even as I rip myself to shreds.
There’s something I’m wanting… something I’m lacking…
If only I could find what it is.
I feel it reaching for me, calling to me.
But I hear nothing but the soundless wind.
I dream of darkness, touchable and warm.
It folds me into its arms, a wordless lullaby it croons.
I sleep without dreaming…
I die without death.
I rise with the moon and fall in the end.
I always seem to be falling…
Falling into blackness into the nothing of a nightmarish abyss.
Waiting for someone to catch me as I fall, for someone to end it all.

Pain

Thu, 17 May 2007 21:06:39 GMT

You don’t think you hurt me, can’t you see my scars?
They’re always bleeding… so red, so cruel.
Your words are knives, they can cut so deep.

Some days I’ve a voodoo doll stuck with a thousand pins.

You shut me out, you only see what you want.
And when I scream you don’t hear.
Can’t you understand all I want is acceptance from you.

I swear you want to drive me away.

You don’t care, doesn’t matter what they say.
They don’t feel the weight of the truth I do.
And the tears that you cause burn like acid rain.

But I’ll live on as I’ve done all these years.
My skin is tough with all these ugly scars.
I’ll survive the oppressing pain…
And I’ll pull through this sickness you’ve infected me with.

No matter how great the pain…
I’ll overcome this one day.

Shadow

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:32:41 GMT

(Just a note that this is more of a song rather then a poem really)

Me and my shadow…
Go away shadow…
Go away.

You don’t know who you are.
Who you need to be.
You’ve lost your sense of identity.
You think you’re better at being me than yourself.
You don’t know who you are.
But you know nothing of me…
You never will.

Trying to take everything I am.
Such a sad little girl falling apart in jealousy.
I know deep down you hate me.

Is this what you really want?

Fall down…
Trip and fall from me.
Fall into your imaginary reflection…
Little shadow fall away from me.

So selfish.

I can feel your eyes on me.
Watching me…
Every move I make.
But you’ll never be anything like me.

Me and my shadow…
Go away shadow…
Go away.

You try so much, but in the end you’ll fall so hard.
Living on borrowed dreams.
Such a sad little shadow you’ve become to me.
You’re just as broken as you’ve ever been.

And soon all you’ll be is lost in the light…
Cut and bleeding…
Shadow get far away from me.

Me and my shadow…
Go away shadow…
Go away.

Fade away into yourself.

Dark Fantasy

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 07:23:00 GMT

Touch me softly.
Caress me with your words.
Hold me closely… never let me go.

Play me by desire.
Make me dream of only you.
Whisper your hunger in my ear.

Wrap me in the folds of the night.
Linger before the morning breaks.
Make this dark fantasy true.

Shatter my defenses.
Show me with one look how it’s done.
Make me believe in you.
Take my breath away.

I want to belong to you.

Love

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 06:38:48 GMT

What is Love?
Is it purely an emotion?
Is it just a game some play?

Is it something only two can share…
Or can it expand to three?

Is it really the source of happy endings?
Can you have true love without romance?

Can one love more then just another person at one time?
And if I said I love you, would you not misunderstand?

So what is love…
Is it just an illusion?
Some delusion of man…

It is a need.
It is a calling between friends.
It is something to understand that you will never fully comprehend.

Take this message as you wish…
It is for all those within my heart.
This message isn’t just for that day full of roses and candy hearts.
It is for every moment and every time you make me smile.

Undone

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:16:52 GMT

Pluck and pull at the chords of my soul.
I’ve come undone for you… all of you.
I let my mind say things that have been stirring inside of me.

Doors have been opened to hidden ideals.
For I have come so undone here.
My darkest dreams have unraveled leaving me to stand naked before you.

I’m making myself better.
My words have undone me.
My soul has been left to bleed…
To cleanse and feel again.

My mind is raw with thoughtful abandon.
I hurt no more this day.
I feel more in control then I ever been…
And I’ve come undone, this is all real.
The real me.

I’ve laid here dying so you can see inside…
So you might understand why I am.
Strange desires have made me no longer whole, but still I am complete.
I am undone.

I’ve been unleashed.

Essence

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:10:14 GMT

Darkness…
Holds me.
But it doesn’t make me.

I am fallen.
No angel am I.
Can’t feed me by light.

For I hunger to know…
I thirst to understand why you can’t.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m just not what you wanted of me.

Darkness saved me.
But it doesn’t own me.
I am free within here…
I am free.

All you ever see is absence of light.
It’s not that cold at night…
I feel safe here.

I try so hard to see your side.
So why can’t you give a little for mine?
I am happy here please believe me.

I hunger to let go.
I thirst to dream, to live.
I am imperfectly the way I’m supposed to be…
Becoming who I am in this new beginning of me.

Chocolate

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:14:59 GMT

Just one bite…
One taste…
One lick…
Pulls me under within the arms of sweet dark bliss.
The flavor runs across my lips, my senses lost.

A drop to my finger falls, and I suck it gently from my skin.
The taste forever remembered in the back of my mouth.
I want to taste, to savor every moment as it melts across my tongue.

A craving seductive as sin…
Like lust it draws you deeper and deeper within.
It should be a crime for anything to be so addictive.
To cause such warmth, such pleasure.

Saccharine dreams evolve as it slides down my throat…
Leaving me sated, satisfied but insatiable…
I’ll always want more.

Home

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 03:42:38 GMT

I did what I had to do.
That story, that creature who once was is no more now.
Free of the chains behind me, there is peace in my soul.
I had to let go… for we had begun dying a slow death years ago.

Something has changed in me; I no longer find fear in the shadows.
A strange sense of comfort is there for me.
I was never part of the light…
It was tearing me apart.

And I now I know what used to be wrong.
Now I understand I was living in a lie, lost in the brilliant light.
But here in this darkness I know truth…
I’m finally home.

I stood in the doorway between night and day…
My spirit torn in half and I couldn’t breathe, I had no identity.
And now I have a better sense of who I am…

There’s nothing here to fear.
I don’t feel trapped anymore.
There’s a freedom in this macabre existence…
Such a sense of freedom I’ve never felt before.

I’ve finally found a world to call my own.
I am home…
No more suffocating.
There’s no where to hide now…
I’m not afraid anymore.

Delusions

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 03:48:10 GMT

Someone tell me that I’m not acting like a fool.
Tell me please that it will be okay without you.

I shouldn’t feel as though my world is breaking apart.
Things change after all.

I just believed you’d always be there for me.
Guess I was wrong, and so were you.

This cold and lonely bed is made, so now I lie in it alone.
I made it, but not on my own.
I’m drifting in and out of sleep.
My eyes alive with tears I refuse to weep.

It seems like I just need to learn to stand on my own.
To pick myself up when I fall down…
And tell myself it’ll be okay somehow.

I let myself be blind when I could see…
See the truth between the lines.
But for now I’m stuck out in the cold.

I just wish I had arms to hold me, to keep me safe from the storm.

(Note: http://devious-trouble.livejournal.com/13977.html)

Scars

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 20:38:37 GMT

I’m tired of fighting…
But I won’t give in.
I am drained by this pain inside of me.

I am so broken, there’s hardly anything left…
Just pieces of someone who used to exist.
There’s nothing but this fragile disaster you helped to create.

I wish I could remember what peace is.
I still wonder who I am.
Do you even understand what you’ve done?
Or don’t you care?

If only you’d take a moment to look at me…
Really look and see, would you see me?
Or would you only see what you want…
It’s not always about what you want.
Nor is it always about me.

Don’t you see…
You’re the one who cut these scars into me.

Cold

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 20:34:41 GMT

My shell is broken…
His words still hurt.
I’m still bruised by his lack of understanding.
Will I ever escape this pain?

I try so hard to fight back my tears.
I want so bad to scream, but I know I won’t be heard.
Days like these I wish I was some where else.

This war is never ending.
I have so many scars; they’ve bled time and time again.
Maybe just this once I can stand up to him.
If only he would listen…

Does he see this person I am?
But does he know he helped to shape her?
This strange and angry woman forever known as the child…

Does he even care?

I’m so tired of this cold place.

Fallen Truths

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 04:01:38 GMT

We all have our little fantasies.
Dreams and wishes we’d like to be real.
But then there’s reality that tears down our hope and builds all our fears.

But in this course of existence I’m beginning to see through my own lies…
I live in a world of both sides.

Reality grounds me as I go through my days.
Fantasy haunts me, tempts me and pushes aside my pains…
Only to create more problems for me.

I live in both worlds.
Together they somehow make me whole.
In my dreams life is very real…
And when I’m awake my dreams are always right there, every where.

This isn’t sane…

I’m one of the monsters inside my own head.
My friends tend to lurk happily under your bed.
They think of blood and I dream in red.

My life is changing my dear…
I don’t think of myself as I did yesterday, or before.
I’m not who I thought I was, I’m not anything of my mind’s creation.
Everything I am I once thought I would never become…

But here I am staring darkness in the face.
Here I am wanting your embrace… your touch.
I’m wanting all the things I’ve refused for so long.

I am all the things I swore I would never be.
I’ll never be who I was.

Exhausted

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 02:17:13 GMT

I’m running out of options, I tired of this fighting.
I have no where to run too…
No one to hold me when I’m drained from dealing with you.

I’m growing weary with you feeling sorry for yourself.
I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m sorry for the things I did…
Must you always remind me of my sins?
I’m not perfect, but no one is.

I can’t fix you… I don’t know why I even tried.
I always knew it was no use in the back of my mind.
You’re so bitter… so confused.

Hate is your drug, your way of life.
It’s all you believe in, it’s your faith and religion.
I don’t know what to think of you any more…
I don’t know what I was thinking to begin with.

I used to feel sorry for you, but that was pointless.
Now all I feel is nothing… I don’t know you anymore.
You’re not the man I thought you were at all.

A Closing Door

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 01:07:53 GMT

I hear a distance in your words…
A hollow echo of the miles between us.
There’s something different, but it was different all along.

I refused to see the truth for what it was.
In spite of the circumstance, I gave you my heart.
I made you lead me on.
I willingly filled the role of the fool.

Now I’m cold in this winter that I’ve created.
I’m drowning in these delusions of my own mind.
And I know… the moment is passing, but still I don’t want to let you go.

I let myself believe in just dreams.
I’m the one who ignored reality.
You said not to fear…
But you were so wrong.

I never had you at all.

The limits that you promised didn’t exist are there.
The clock of reality is ticking down our final hour now.
I feel an emptiness growing inside my heart again.

I knew better then to love you, but I couldn’t resist.
Now I’m learning a new kind of lesson… that I’ll never forget.
At least I know the truth, I know how you really felt…
But it’s your feelings that will make this harder to forget.

And when the clock strikes twelve, and the spell is over I will never forget you…
For I was bound to you for a time by my own doing.
I don’t want to let you go even though we never were…
But I know I will have too, and the time will come much too soon.

Idol

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 03:51:16 GMT

You want to be worshiped.
Bow before you if we please.
You like to be adored in your eternity.

There just something about you that sparks my curiosity…
Creates some sort of need.
No one wants to resist that charm you seep.
Such a clever fiend, a dark saint you long to be.

In the shadows you saunter, a wolf in perfect motion.
Hunter, lover, friend and hero no one else holds a candle to you.
You’re an infamous devil, a deviant king.

Such a fantastic liquid dream…
We’d like to drink you up.
Everyone likes to look, and oh how much they’d love to touch.
They’d give it all to you without a second thought.

Troublemaker with a sly grin…
Makes us all wonder what you’re getting into again.
Never a dull moment in this world you’re living in.

You could make a girl burn with just a look.
A dashing rogue with a know it all gleam.
Everyone loves you, some love to hate you…
Rules cannot restrict you... or so it seems.

To resist you is to sin.
You will not be denied…
What you desire is instantly yours every time.

It’s some kind of magic spell you’ve cast.
You know no bounds.
You’re a one of a kind type of man.
Immortalized by more then the night…
A modern god untouched by time.

Mystery

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 17:48:32 GMT

You’re a broken man.
Oh you tragic thing, hidden within your silent observations.
A beautiful disaster is what you are.

You’re a nightmare’s dream, a haunting surrender.
You are the Devil’s companion, and the night’s gentleman.
Love has known you time and time again.

In the shadows you seem content to be, only coming forward in need.
So quiet and yet wicked you are, so adored though shy.
Do you even realize all that you are… what you could be?

With just a simple kiss you can change someone’s world…
Oh the tempting power that you hold.
Your refrain is enticing, your words are enchanting.
What a complex creature you are my love.

The darkness holds to you in ways others only dream they could.
Your mournful songs speak of a tortured heart, a soul full of scars…
You are a secretive being, your sorrows hidden beneath so much meaning.
Perhaps it is this that makes you so alluring, so desired by all that know you.

You could become the sweetest sin, a dark temptation with spirited eyes.
You are no mere shadow on the wall.
You are but a guarded puzzle waiting to be solved…
A humanized demon to be undone.